double eyelids.

i have a monolid.

my mom said that if i lost 15lbs then we could go to korea and so that i could get double eyelid surgery.

now first reaction would be: WTF NO WAY JOSE.

then i kind of think about it. i mean im not gonna lie, 90% of the people who get doubleeyelidsurgery look good. it is rare when someone gets a botched surgery, and im just…uh, enhancing my features, right? it would be easier to put on makeup, and it would look better too. and im getting it for free since my parents dont mind paying for it so…………………….why not, right? right right right?

and no it’s not like i ever wanted it in the first place. a few of my friends got it after high school and they look fine before and after.

i just thought it was interesting how i do have the possibility of getting, well, plastic surgery.

hm.

top 4 things i think about when im not focusing on completing a task/paying attention.

1. music…err, i mean, like songs/pieces. something is always running through my head.

2. future after college. i almost always pee in my pantelones because i think too uncessarily hard about this.

3. (blankness)

4. food, as in my next meal/snack. ohmygosh it gets me ridiculously excited just thinking about food. sometimes i want to get a twitter account just so i can follow sprinkles cupcakes just so i can run to the closest store whenever they tweet the secret word. FREE CUPCAKE….ohmgosh….i mean, it’s not that i loveee sprinkles that much. i mean, it’s fine. but holymackerel do i love free food.

…now im thinking of fish/whales/dolphins and feeling kind of sad because yesterday i saw “whale wars” (reality tv show following a small boat that tries to stop whale hunting. they fail every time) and it was…another depressing episode. i mean geez…how much whale meat do you really need. and the show before that one was about deep sea fishing. too many fishes being caught. i mean, it’s just…really excessive. jeial;sdjfoiweja

humans. you have overstepped your boundary in this world. and now we are paying for it. /sigh.

i really dont like money.

that is all i have to say.

just kidding.

it’s not.

but it is the day that ill try to start pilates. really try. try try try. hopefully something will come out of me trying. aughhhheawijdksfe

sometimes ill tell a friend that im busy so that i can be by myself for longer. it’s not that i dont want to be with my friend, i just like being with myself better. it’s more comfortable. really comfortable.

i guess it sounds kind of lame–being alone. but it’s really nice. and it’s not that im trying to be lazy either…! or maybe a part of being alone is being lazy…/sigh.

it’s weird to know that people are slowly moving back to their respective schools to begin their classes once again.

it’s weird to know that im starting my last year.

it’s weird to know that what i thought i wanted to do 6months back have completely changed.

WHY. WHY?!?!

unfortunately i am freaking out a little bit. i cant help but agonize the month i have left of summer because that means that im going to have to really start thinking about my future/school soon. /sigh…
sometimes i kind of dont know why college and school and stuff is crammed into only 4 years. why is it that we are pressured to instantly go from high school to college to graduate school to more schooling and then a job? why!? i mean, why cant it be that we could just take a couple months or years off after high school or college to see what we want to do. i mean, i know that some people do need to go from high school to college or from college to grad school or else they just wont go back to school. but i know that i want to explore..a lot of other things. but i really feel like i cant do a lot of the things that i am interested in because of time and because it’s not encouraged. gahhh time time time time timeeeee

well, in other news:

today i went to the dmv and only waited 2.5 hours.

if it’s any consolation, im kinda still in a quarter-life crisis……so it’s not like im having all fun n’ games right now …/sigh…things will work out i hope. know. hope. i hope more than i know.

because there are wayyyy too many singers online. and while there are a lot of great singers,  those singers are just average singers in comparison to the rest of the singers out there in the world. you may ask: why would you compare the singers/artists on youtube to famous singers such as beyonce, christina aguilara, etc?

well, why NOT!? those celebrities are just normal people too. why even limit yourself like that? if you want to be the best, compare yourself to the best.

annnnyyywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,

so one of my friend’s posted a link of one of her videos on facebook, and again, i dont normally like clicking on links and stuff but this time i did and at first i was a bit confused about her. and then once i started watching more of her videos i really really began to appreciate her more. which is WEIRD because i dont even know her. O_O

im a prettty dang critical person when it comes to music, which is why i never really like involving myself in music that is just “for fun”.
example: im not going to actually tell a friend that if she wants to be good she needs to take voice lessons to get that classical training. or she needs to learn how to create her own songs and stop doing covers.
why? because that’s really mean of me. and i cant bring myself to say a tiny white lie and tell her that she is good at singing. instead i would say some geniune comment such as how i love to see her sing because i can see how much passion she has for it and it makes me even more in love with music. mmm music. i love you.

ANYWAY,

so i would think that i would be quite critical about this girl, but im not. i mean well, i do have my own opinions, but in the end, i guess for now i feel like her love for music is shown through her creativity and so everything else that i may be thinking just doesnt matter. hehe

so i guess this could be considered a plug for this girl, but WHATEVER!!!

i was telling my friend about how i was growing apart from this other friend who used to be an extremely close friend of mine, and that it concerned me. once summer rolled around, i just kind of stopped talking to her because of our busy schedules. i didnt realize us distancing until about a few weeks ago and i guess it kind of troubled me even more that i didnt see us growing apart sooner. i mean we were pretty dang inseperable (well that is what id like to think) for a couple years.

after i had said everything i had to say to my friend (which was a LOT), she told me that maybe it wasnt such a bad thing that we werent talking as much as before. i mean, sometimes, breaks are good. it gives you a bit of fresh air. and sometimes you need that separation just for the sake of separating.

and i guess..it’s not that i NEEd that, but i guess i never really thought of not talking to someone who was once attached to your hip for a period of time. i mean, it’s not like we are never going to be friends again right? and i honestly feel pretty good about not having to fb/email/msg/etc them to tell them about what i ate today. i mean, we’ll see each other again one day and things will still be fine if not awesome between us anyway.

here are a few little peeves i have with being a music major.

1. this conversation:

person: what are you studying?
me: music
person: OHHOHOHO COOOL I USED TO PLAY THE TRUMPET IN THE 5TH GRADE.
me:….great..

i mean…what in the WORLD am i suppose to say back? and what kind of answer is that?! just because i play an instrument doesnt mean that you have to tell me all the different kinds of instruments you used to play/currently play. it is really awkward. if you were to tell me that you majored in Bio or English, i dont say: OHHH I TOOK BIO1A IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I KNOW HOW TO READ BOOKS IN ENGLISH.

…see how weird that is?

2. this next conversation:

person: so that must be a pretty chill major, i mean, you just play music all day. do you guys even take scantron tests?

oh no. we just play music all day. and sometimes are fed grapes by our slaves.

what the heck man.

first of all, what does “play music all day” even mean?! do you mean do we practice? yes, well, at least those who want to do well practice. and we practice literally hours every day and not to mention that yes we do have other classes such as theory, history, etc about music that are really tedious and…pretty dang hard.

3. this next conversation:

person: wow that’s so great that youre doing something that you love.

yes it really is…but dont even think for a second that this was an easy choice for me. that “oh i want to play music forEVERRRR SO I WILL DO THIS HEHHE YAYYA PARTTAYYY”. you have no idea how much im freaking out about my future and what the fuck im going to do after i graduate. what does one do with a music major to make a quick buck. i mean, seriously…

and if you are in a major that you dont like, then do something that you do. YES, it really is that simple. NO it wont be simpler after that though. i know a lot of people who have recently changed their majors and even though they have to stay an extra year, or their parents arent supporting them anymore, they are happy. seriously. happy. music makes me happy, but dont think that im not working for it either.

4. this next conversation:

person: JAM WITH MEE
me: hah.uhh no it’s okay…
person: THEN PLAY SOMETHING FOR ME. YAYAYAYAY DO IT DOI T

hecl no. i dont want to jam with you. or anyone. and heck no im not just going to play something for you. not because im a pretentious fool, but because jamming is not my thing. AND you have to understand that music is a very very personal thing to me, and so if i dont think that im going to be able to play to my best ability by just whipping up something off the top of my head, then im not going to play it.
sometimes i am jealous of jazz majors because they are able to show their emotions through improv, and hearing that raw, pure music is…amazing.

but to get back to the point, if i dont feel like im doing myself justice by playing something for someone, then i wont do it. i dont care if you “will like it anyway”, i dont want people to like something just for the sake of liking. i feel like it cheapens my own talent.

ok the end for now.

weird.

youre fake

he’s fake

she’s fake

im fake

fakefakefakefake

everyones just fakin it.

this

is

such

bs

.

and i am seriously used to being able to say these, albeit brash remarks without anyone really having a response. some people may agree. some people may start off with their sentences as “well..i dont know..” and leave it at that.

but there are some people who will listen to what i have to say, and are able to answer with their own sober and controlled thoughts NOT necessarily to argue, but rather suggest another sort of opinion that had never occurred to me.

those are the little hidden jewels moments in my life when i literally want to stand on top of a table and say: yes, i have found the buried treasure everyone, let us all rejoice.

why?

because i am only human. i dont think that people should have to feel like they agree with what i say just because i may say it with a certain level of aggression. i really appreciate it when people have feedback to give me not because they want to intentionally hurt me, but because it is an observation they have realized over time.

when moments like these happen, i feel normal again.

because well…let’s be honest, sometimes i do get in on over my head and im pretty sure i act and feel like a bit of queen.

i feel really disgusted whenever it’s apparent in friendships. ie. a person becoming jealous of the relationship i have with a mutual friend.

it bothers me a LOT that someone feels like they have the right to harbor negative feelings for me &/or our mutual friends for whatever reason because it is pretty dang selfish.
i really do believe that if you truly love your friend and wish the very best for them, then you would embrace the fact that they are surrounded by many wonderful people, and you should be happy that you are one of them.

unfortunately, ive had a few cases of when a person has been jealous of my relationship with our mutual friend. it’s really sick and pathetic. really pathetic. why? because i feel like at this point, that person doesnt even care about their own friendship with our mutual friend, all they are doing is thinking about themselves and do not tell me otherwise because at the very core of the negative feelings that they have, that is exactly it. it’s all about them and their feelings of being insecure with themselves.

im not trying to say that i am this “holy than thou” person who loves everyone all the time and that everyone should be like me blahblahblah.

ive just never felt any reason to be jealous of the other friendships my good friends have had because there is no reason to ever think that because i was friends with this person for this many years, then i should be alloted this much time and love. no. that is not how relationships work, dummy.

you wanna be a good friend? dont be sucha a baby! easy peasy.

i know that it is good to be confident in one’s physical appearance and to “love your body”, and that being skinny doesnt matter. BUT IT MATTERS TO ME. that is the dang truth. it matters, to me. it may not matter to you, but it matters to me. a lot. a lot a lot. it’s weird because i dont really act like it -__-”. while i want to be that super duper confident person who eats whatever she wants and loves herself, i cannot do that. i mean, i can do the eating part, but then i feel really lame when i sleep at night and when i wake up in the morning…and one of the biggest reasons why i feel this way is because ever since my freshman year, ive been gaining weight. normally people gain weight their first year and then they kind of…plateau. ive been gaining more and more and more and more and more and more and more weight. WHEN IS IT GOING TO PLATEAU? i just feel like it isnt healthy for someone to continue to gain weight. i dont feel healthy.

this is going to sound really stupid, but a lot of the times, i am 99% sure that i will end up alone without ever reaching any of my goals because my butt is too big. or my stomach protrudes.

okay the end.

i mean, that is the one thing i really dislike. when someone blatantly treats me differently after they read about what i write. or hear what i have to say (meaning, talking out loud, not by reading). cant i have my own opinion as well?

anyway,

i guess i feel really conflicted whenever i feel like i should be agreeing with a majority of the people are agreeing with, but i know that i dont agree at all.

will discuss this later when i am not as tired and angsty.

-_-

i love eating food. cooking food. watching food being made/prepared. reading about food. watching other people eat food. food reality tv shows. food network. i even love the bad sides of food, like watching documentaries and tv shows about food addictions, obesity, food binges…

tell me this,

what the HECK do you do then?

besides all the loveydovey stuffies, what would you seriously do? just spend more time with them? sit around? eat? sleep? eat again?

i know this sounds like a stupid question, but seriously. is there really more to a relationship? not really…especially if you dont ever plan on being with this person forever. and you know what, let’s say that you do decide to shoot for marriage. so you will move in together and make a few babies. what exactly are you guys trying to do with each other’s lives? what exactly is the point of marriage and relationships besides love and commitment?

i dunno, the thought of hanging out with someone again and again and again really…..bores me. -__-

but then again, it’s not like i would know what else to do.

yes it makes sense to be with someone because you are lonely. but once you stop being lonely, what now then?

hm.

maybe ill make my future husband get major plastic surgery to change is look every now and then. how exciting that would be!

hahahaha……

while i would hug my closer friends  it’s not that i “save” my hugs for only “certain people”, it’s that i feel more inclined to do so because ive known them longer, and i guess i just feel more comfortable.  and even then,  i would seriously rather just shake their hand. or give them a high five. or nothing at all. to me, there is something about physically embracing someone that i cannot bring myself to do because i dont connect the thoughts/feelings of love/happiness/friendship with a hug.

so do you see why i am the way i am, and do the things i do? it’s not because i am a cold person. well, maybe a little bit. but it’s more that i dont associate the same feelings you have when you hug someone. when i think of hugs, i think of…nothing. blank.
so if you ever hug me, i am sorry that i cannot bring myself to do the same to you. i am sorry if i just stand there with my arms to my side–leaving you to do all the work.

but sometimes, i go through these mental blocks that cause me to think otherwise about my identity/self. even though i know that there really are a lot of people who care as much as about me as i care about them and i do have a lot to gain and offer from my surroundings, sometimes i have a sudden drop of confidence. i feel weak. stupid. very stupid. and helpless.

this low confidence can be triggered by literally anything…from someone not saying Hi, or random events that remind me of past negative incidents, or even when someone doesnt respond quickly to a facebook friend request.

i know, those are all really stupid things to fret/worry about, even more dumb to cause me to question myself as a person and to go spiraling into an unfinished maze of paranoia and feel a loss of self worth.

it really does bother me how something so insignificant can have such a powerful effect on me and my mood/thoughts. i mean, this doesnt happen all the time…but when it does, it’s kind of ridiculous how pathetic i feel about myself. i mean, it IS pathetic that i am feeling that way.

so, i guess there really isnt any point to this entry. i mean, i am kind of whining and being a big, fat baby…but i really dont mean to be. im not looking for comfort or compliments or sympathy. for sure not sympathy.

but you know what ive realized?

if youve worked real hard for something and youre good at it, then why not tell that someone: yes, yes you are good at singing, or yes, you are doing well as a chemistry major. why would you try to convince someone that you really arent that great at singing when in reality, you are. if youve worked for it, you might as well perform a tiny dance in the small spotlight right?…

i think that there is nothing wrong with having at least a little pride in what youve accomplished. of course no one wants to be known as conceited/bragger/boastful, but im pretty sure if you are even worried about people labeling you as that, high chances are you are not that type of person anyway…

lately, ive been thinking about the concept of living after death, as in like, heaven!

i believe i heaven.

and ive never really thought about life after heaven, ive always seen it as this mystical, far away thing that i would deal with when i got super old/sick.

but a couple nights ago i got thinking about the concept of living forever.
it makes me really anxious and even a little bit sick thinking about being conscious forever. forever… i mean, imagine just living on and on and on. i mean, i cant imagine death let alone living forever, so i know i should just stop thinking about it, right?

for some reason i cant stop thinking about heaven. i feel so nervous and kind of fear it right now.

it was…crazy. CRAZY. in a good way!

i had already bought all of my ingredients ahead of time, and had premixed most of the dry ingredients and put them into little bags and labeled each one so the day of the baking, all i really had to do was mix everything in a bowl!

i have to admit though, it was extremely tiring. in general, that weekend was filled with a lot of activities and so i was busy from the beginning.

i basically stayed up from friday, 7pm to saturday 3 am. O_O!!!

but even though there were many times during the night that i wanted to stop and sleep the night away, or complain that my back was aching, or just continue baking sloppily…i think the one thing that got me going was that all of these cookies and bars that i was making was for the most beautiful day in the world for some people, and not me.

/sigh

weddings are truly amazing. i mean, think about it–you are announcing your plan to spend the rest of your life with this one person because you want to, while the rest of the world/public eye keeps you accountable.
i dont think that i can still wrap my mind around that.
i dont think i can ever imagine myself saying that or believing that about myself.

so whenever i do come across two people who are not afraid to start their lives with each other forever and EVER, i am amazed, and my tiny heart is warmed.

today is the day that i will start baking.

today.

…

all of a sudden, things just got real for me.

i am going to bake 500-600 pieces o’ delicious baked goods.

…

can i do this?

/sigh.

in other news:
OH YEAH, i cut my hair last last night! one of my friends cut her hair herself, and it turned out pretty dang good, and it inspired me to cut my hair myself as well! and i am kind of broke so i figured i would save a few bucks as well.
anyway,
i am pretty satisfied with the overall outcome. my hair was getting really long, and it’s pretty damaged so i needed to get rid of all those split-ended, dried hairs.
i am ready for summer. woohoo

i want a baby.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

as much as i say that i dont want to get married, and that kids are evil… i think that in the end, all i want is children. lots and lots of children. lots and lots of cute little fat babies.

if all i did for the rest of my life was to be a housewife, i would be so content. SO CONTENT. it’s kind of ridiculous how happy i would be, really!

every time i see photos of babies/little ones, my heart melts. breaks. dies. and then it comes back to life and starts to slowly die again…

okay, so i sound like a crazy person, i mean ive never even had my own children before. ive never had my own baby…../sigh.

but if i had a cute house with a million babies, i would be the happiest girl in the world! yeeee!

but i seriously need to get a haircut.

when i came to college, i had cut off ALL my hair and started to bleach & dye it again like crazy because in high school i kept my hair “pure and undamaged” so that i could cut it and donate it to Locks of Love.

now it has grown out a lot…it’s almost it’s original length that i had way back in high school!

and while i LOVE my long hair, it is…a mess. i have a million split ends and i dont have a lot of time to take care of my hair so that it looks maintained/under control (ie. blow drying it or straightening it to look…normal, haha), and with the hot weather coming my way…i am in dire need of a haircut. or at least a trim. or..something.

anyway, i will do that soon. i hope. gee i am…lazy sometimes. -__-

in other news:

IT’S RAINING! wow.