okay. i will really seriously go in depth about how amazing my thanksgiving weekend was…but i have way too many things to do from now until …the end of life…. 

haha.

err, from now until the end of this quarter (for now at least. i can worry about other things later). 

whenever i get a question that asks me for “my strengths & weaknesses”, i seriously, truly, really do get stumped at the latter part of the question.

NOT BECAUSE I DONT THINK I HAVE ANY WEAKNESSES.

i know that i have a lot.

but i have a lot of trouble answer that question because i feel like right now, the important weaknesses that i feel sincerely do need some work are very…abstract…ish.

i don’t have an “quick-fix” type of weaknesses. it’s not that i have too much pride, or i cant take criticism, or im too stubborn, or close minded. i’m not saying that the things i just mentioned are easy to fix. no way jose, they are pretty darn difficult to address upon, and then to change is harder because you know as humans, we dont like none of that “change”! 

i feel like for now, one of my main weaknesses has to do with my future and being responsible. no, not short term responsibility (ie. not cleaning when i made a mess, not apologizing when i hurt someone’s feelings). 

i honestly do not like admitting that i want to do something with music in the future. er, not just something. i want to be a musician. not just any musician either, the ones that you can see and hear play in an orchestra. er, not any orchestra either. one of duh best.
you see where it gets all muddy here?
a part of me really doesnt want to admit that i want to be a good musician because what if i dont become what i want to be? if i say i want to do all of these things involving music, i better do it–right?
but what if i dont do what i said that i want to do?
how dumb i would feel if none of that happened. and it’s also dumb of me to worry about something like this. i mean, i do want it.

i want to say that it’s easier said than done whenever people tell me “then do it”, but it really isnt. if i want something that bad, i best go and bust my butt and try my best right?
…that’s where i slip in all of these lame excuses to prevent myself from being the best that i can be.

but i really am trying to fight that urge to give up NOT because it’s too difficult. i havent been doing enough to even reach that part of my life yet. but because im too scared to even try. im too darn scared to even see where music will lead me–if anywhere.

-__-

aye caramba.

in all honestly, i really like crying.

if i could, i would cry everyday.

i remember doing it when i was really little (around 3rd grade?) at night right before i fell asleep on my bed. it was kind of a strange nightly ritual i did to lull myself to sleep….and it’s not like i was sad either. i just did it. it just happened. O_O
and then one day i told my mom that i cried every night for no good reason and then she told me that maybe i should stop. and then i did.
..yeah, that was the end of that.

ANYWAY, so back to modern day.
so it’s not like i want to waste all of my precious tears so that they wont lose their worth&meaning. i just kind of want to have that…cathartic&rested feeling that one gets after crying. it’s so peaceful. i could just fall asleep instantly if i cried all the time. it would be a little weird for my roommates though. they would just see me burst into tears for no apparent reason…

wow. this was a really strange entry post thingy dingy.

in other news:

im doing really strange things to my hair. good strange things.

AND I AM SO EXCITED FOR THANKSGIVING. our family may come from asian origins, but we seriously go ALL OUT during thanksgiving. we are pretty “american” in that way…
and i love cooking yummy food and eating it wif my family. and seeing if my brother is going to participate in the family activities and what odd/annoying things my mom will say and stuff like that.

gahh food. food. FOOD!

this thanksgiving is a bit different b/c my sister is gone. it’s okay though, all she did was make some lame honey&buttered corn and mashed potatoes. ANYONE CAN DO THAT. HAH. HAHAHHAHFJKFAKJSL;D!!! she cannot come here and beat me up b/c she is in taiwan. muahhahaha

anyway, here is what our thanksgiving menu will hopefully turn out to be:

-delicious roasted turkey made by my father. it is seriously so bomb. the secret: salt water bath night before!
-stuffing made by my dad
-gravy made by dad
-potaotoes au gratin made by me mem emem emememmemee!!
-wild rice&corn made by me
-korean foods made by dad&momma
-cranberry sauce from DUH CAN!! YUMMAYY! i love diz shtuff. it’s all..jello-y and delicious. i dont understand why people dont like cranberry from a can. IT’S FROM A CAN!!
-BOMB salad: crispy romaine lettuce, avocadoes (oh yeah, now u know that it’s going to be bomb..), tomatoes, heart of palm, red onion. plus a simple vinaigrette  of rice vinegar+oliveoil+lemon juice. 
-dessert: apple cake crips that my dad always buys from costco.
-dessert: chocolate pie made by me
-dessert: pear crisp?? made by me

so if you havent noticed, a lot of these recipes i am getting from the pioneer woman’s blog! yall should seriously check out her blog! she is seriously …the..best…

i secretly want to be her when i grow up. no joke.

…sometimes, i feel like people assume that i was always the way i am.

er. that didnt really make sense. at all.

rephrase: sometimes, i feel like people think that i have always been this outspoken, outgoing, opinionated person. i think that people may assume that ive always been the type to be able to confront people, to tell people my thoughts when i feel necessary, to point out my own opinion about something even if it something that the minority agree with..that basically ive always been the type to go against the natural flow of things.

…

i dont know why people would think that.

it’s like assuming that people who are good public speakers, are naturally good. now of course there are some people who are talented at speaking publicly, but i am pretty-darn-well sure that at least 90% of the people who are able to lecture in front of hundreds, thousands, millions of people did not begin as a good public speaker. they had to work to get there. ya dig? 

i feel like i had to work to get to where i am today.
now mind you, a lot of people may not like my personality/behavior, but in all honesty, that is what comes with being an outspoken, opinionated person…who aint gunna take crap from no one, yahnawwattaimsayin?!
i mean, i could go on and ON about telling you how shy i was for a very long time. or about the terribly low self-esteem that i had for a very long time. or the kind of “follower” i was (it was the bad kind–the kind that did nothing but follow. and agree. and that was it. boring.)

but the point of all of that would be that i like the way i am today. 
i know that being a person who is not willing to agree just for the sake of agreeing, or says things that aren’t pleasant for the other person to listen to (ie. criticism) has some territory that goes along with it. 

i gotta be tuff.
i gotta be ruff.
i gotta go huff.

Just kidding.

but i sorta/kinda have to have a few more layers of skin, because i am fully aware that no one is going to agree with what i say 100%. i cant be friends with everyone. people wont like me (er hopefully not everyone i meet). stuff like that.
BUT!
just because i act the way i do, doesnt mean that i cannot relate to those of you who think that you are a bit more soft spoken. or shyer. or more reserved. or basically anything that you think i am not. 
/sigh.

i am frequently around wonderful lady friends. and a few weeks ago, i realized that there is something that i dont really do that they do all the time. 

they burp. all. the. time. 

it’s actually quite amazing. 

im not too sure how they can do this without such..effort. 

i, on the other hand, have realized that i seriously havent burped in a really long time. really long time meaning, years. at least four years. at least five years. AT LEAST SIX YEARS. i don’t ever remember burping in college, or even high school. did i burp in high school?!
of course i know i must have done it some time in middle school…

gosh.

i can’t believe that i havent burped out loud in such a long time. every time i do feel a burp coming up my throat, i kind of just suppress it inside of me instead of opening my mouth and letting it out freely. 
i feel like im missing out on this whole burping bizznizz.
but every time i want to burp, i never do it once the situation arises.

anyway, in other news:
so i wanted something super apple-y and something buttery and something just..delicious. none of that “nonfat, low carb, sugar free” crap. yanaw??!!
anndddd soo today i made this recipe from Ree Drummond: apple-cake-in-an-iron-skillet
it is oh so very delicious. and yummy. and oh man, duh butter in diz cake. mmMMMmmMMM!!!
(oh, i dont have a 9″ iron cast skillet *hinthinthinxmasgifthinthinthintttt* so i used a glass pie dish, and i also added dry oatmeal because i have SO MUCH OATMEAL. i dont even know why…) 

wow. im eating this for breakfast. and lunch. and dinner. and snackies. and dessert. and..yeah.

so i actually dont really like cooking/baking with other people unless i know that for sure that other person knows how to bake/cook because let’s face it…most of the time, the other person doesnt know what in the heck to do.

whenever someone asks me if there is anything they can do to help, what they mean is: hey, can i stir that pot? hey, can i decorate those cookies? hey, can i chop up these vegetables [terribly]? 

okay, so the last example was kind of harsh.

but what those people dont know is that YES, i would love your help, but NOT doing any of those things you mentioned. you want to do all of the “fun” stuff, stuff that you think is easy and fun. and unfortunately, youll probably burn the chicken in the pan, stumble your way through making uniform cookie dough balls, etc. 
and what you do not know is that volunteering to do “fun” kitchen activities is NOT helping at me. you want to help me? can you please wash all of the dishes and cutting boards that i used? clean up the mess on the ground.
that is helping me.
and ill do everything else. 

i dont know why, but lately, ive reallllly wanted to try:
-prosciutto+figs combo. i mean cmon, doesnt that look DELICIOUS?!! one time i saw someone eat some figs and i was THIS close on asking them if i could take a bite.

-ive also been a bit obsessed with cheese. well, i guess just brie and gouda. man, they are so yummy. i think i can eat a huge chuck o’ brie plain and be the happiest person in the world (also probably the gassiest).

AND LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND:

holy moly..a brie+figs+prosciutto panini.

i think ive just found the key to happiness in life.  wow o wow o wowwwwwwwwwww!

i used to be too shy to stand up for anything. whether it was to raise my hand that i wanted chocolate milk instead of regular 1% milk during recess, or to tell someone how i feel. i kind of just agreed with everything and became one of those people who follow everyone else around regardless of where everyone was going…not saying that following is a bad thing, only when it starts to affect you negatively. and in my case, being a follower and no-speaker did. 
i didnt learn how to speak up for myself, even if it was asking the receptionist where a certain room was in the building. or telling my opinion in class about whatever topic we were discussing. i mean, i definitely had thoughts going on in my head, but i kind of depended on others to either say it for me, or for others to figure it out for themselves.
why should i be the one asking a friend if they’re feeling okay, if they’re in need of someone they should be the ones approaching me, not me approaching them. and why should i bother to point out someone else’s mistakes to someone, there are a lot of people who can do that for me.

i mean, i guess you could spend your life never saying what is going on in your head. 
but you would be one sad camper.

which is why i dont really sympathize if people tell me that they are “too scared” to approach people, situations, anything really. i especially dislike it when the same people who tell me that they feel too intimidated to confront people, and KNOW what they could do to solve this problem, and yet they dont. 
it’s even more bothersome when they say this to me a repeated number of times.

can you hear yourself talk?

it’s not about you telling me those things to vent or for me to sympathize you anymore. it’s about you complaining the same old thing over and over again and even though you have all of the necessary knowledge to fix your situation, you refuse to do so.

dont give me anymore lame excuse. you dont think that i dont know what you are going through? you dont think that i just magically became this outgoing and outspoken and (somewhat) confident person out of the blue?
you dont think that it just “comes easy” for me?

puhhleaseee. you have no idea. no idea.

so,
please. please. PLEASE.

get over yourself.

get over the fact that no matter what you say, there will always be people who will disagree with you. there will always be times when you have to “face duh music” and apologize to someone. or to tell someone that they hurt you. there will always times for uncomfortable moments.

so get out of your comfort zone.
breathe some of that different fresh strange air that you dont normally get in your little soft bubble. 

do you know why people are so lazy? because they wont try anything that seems like a slight challenge to them. yeah they come up with the stupidest excuses to hide the fact that they simply dont want to step out of their comfortable little homes.
of course it’s way easier to avoid conflicts by keeping your mouth shut and blindly agreeing with the side with the most support.

but what kind of life would you be living?

not yours.  

in other news:
i only have:
1.5 weeks until i go home for thanksgiving
3 weeks until i start on finals
4 weeks until i go home for winterbreak
5 weeks until i go to korea for the first time (er, south. not north)

…it’s going to be a great ride from now until the end of this quarter.

dang. i need one of these in my bathroom. i guess i could just use my cellphone, but i dont normally take my phone with me in the bathroom.

 
 you could say that we could have been the next famous sister&brother singing group.

whenever i hear someone tell me that they find classical music boring (or…i guess i should say instrumental music starting from the year 1000-now) or that they don’t really listen to it, it’s lame, or basically anything negative about…i truly feel bad for them. i truly feel sorry for them.

why?

first of all, the music that we hear today on the radio is a big pile of crap. you know it, i know it. there used to be good music out there. back in the day when most artists and bands had actual talent and the lyrics were worth listening to.

i know that classical music is under-appreciated, but it truly is your own loss if you never give yourself the chance to enjoy it. i feel like there is too much history and growth that has flourished in all classical music (and it’s different genres) for you to brush it off. i mean cmon, where the heck do you think the music base comes from when you hear the poppy songs on the radio? not out of thin air. 

i mean i guess you dont have really really like it at all, but i feel like it’s important to just be aware that it is pretty darn important and applicable to the contemporary crap that we are listening to now.

gahh if only we could have lived during the times of mozart and schumann and beethoven. i know there are mannyyyyy great composers now, but i think that we dont really realize that because there is too much mainstream butthole-type of music that distracts us. if we lived in simpler times (simpler meaning less technology, im sure that life was still difficult and you still had to work hard, yadda yadda), and if we were to listen to a 20year old’s amazing orchestral compositions, we would all be crying. seriously.

i caught a cold last week. 

last week.

and it’s STILL HERE. gaheira;ejdsf

normally, a cold last 1-2 days. normally i am feeling pretty darn fine by the next day. but no, this bug will not leave me. 
and i got my roommate sick.
no one wants to hang out with us because we are sick human beings with new low-man-sounding voices.

darn.

this is another litttle story that i wrote for my fiction writing class. i have to say, this was a tough process. i knew what i wanted the story to vaguely be about, but the characters kept on taking me elsewhere. but i think we found a good medium
i realized that after writing the other story: Stranger , that i cant really make up stories purely out of thin air. i really have to stay close to home (gosh that was cheesy) when i write stories. i have to incorporate some sort of personal story or character to write…which i guess IS what authors do…but i could never write a story in outerspace. or in the 1800’s. or about fairies and gnomes and whatnots…
i got a b+, which i guess i am happy with. my teacher did stress upon the fact that a’s are kept for the exceptional, and i didnt think that this story was exceptional. but i also saw that a few people around me got b’s…
wellll, because im not an english major, i use it as an excuse to be “dumb” and so getting the same grade as some hoity-toity english major makes me feel pretty good. especially those english majors that ramble on and on and kiss teacher’s buttocks.
dang, all i wanted to was shove my grade in front of his face and yell: Hah! i dont need to pretend that im some intelligent fool to get the same grade as you. i dont need to ramble on and on in class like a pretentious toothpick. muahhhaaaaa 

anyway, one thing that bothered me about this story was how long it took me to write it (it’s 5pages doublespaced)…and i have a 10-15page story due next week and i have NO idea what to write for it …if this story took 1.5weeks, i dont know how im going to write this next story…
/sigh
…i guess we’ll see… 

in other news:
I am sick w/ a nasty cold.
my stupid body has been aching for a few days and everything i eat comes straight out of my body like soup. the coughing is bearable though. not the breathing. my nose is so raw from breathing in and out and blowing yucky boogers into scratchy kleenexes…
gahh…i suffer.

but there is one positive result: i have the lowest voice everrr!! it’s so cool

      The Lemon Tree 

Amy slumped in the passenger’s seat of her father’s old sports car and listened to the vibrations of the rumbling wheels against the dirt road. Beads of sweat collected on the back of her neck as she rolled down the window, only to be hit with the stale summer breeze against her face.
“It’s getting a bit hot in here eh? Let me try and turn on the air conditioning. Cross your fingers that it’ll work today!” Her father chuckled, while pushing the buttons in the car. Amy felt more dry air around her and decided to focus on the scenery outside her window instead, already counting down the minutes of when she would be able to return home.

Once a month, Amy’s parents would take her to Grandmother Nanna’s house for the weekend. During that time, Amy would have to spend all of her time with Nanna because apparently, her parents thought that all that “family quality time” would come in handy one day. Amy hated the idea of having any sort of “quality time” with Nanna because that time was spent raking the backyard, listening to Nanna complain about the neighbor’s dog, or on an especially uneventful weekend―cutting Nanna’s toenails while listening to Nanna talk about her lemon tree. That darn lemon tree.

Amy leaned her face to the window and saw the familiar neighborhood streets that lead up to a steep hill where her Grandmother Nanna’s house resided. They drove up the graveled pavement parking in front of the wired gate in front of her grandmother’s yard.

“You almost hit my lemon tree, Bill,” Nanna screeched. Nanna loved that lemon tree. “You can’t find any store bought lemons as good as these!” Nanna would always say to Amy. Sometimes Amy would catch Nanna talking to the tree as she watered it. Nanna never talked to Amy like she talked to that tree. That darn lemon tree.

“Whoop-sa-daises Margery, this car sure does have a mind of it’s own, eh?”

Nanna scowled, and walked back into the house as she mumbled about how “ridiculous it is to see a grown married man drive a dinky sports car” and that her “lemon tree was worth more than anything he ever had”.

While Amy unpacked her clothes, Nanna began to tell her the story about how she had started out with just a single lemon seed and how much devotion and care she had spent on that tree— a story Amy had to listen to every time she came over. “You kids don’t know a lick about work. I would walk up at five thirty in the morning to pull the snails off of that tree when I was your age. You know, I won three contests with that tree, did I ever tell you about that?” Amy had heard that story, and every other story Nanna had about her lemon tree. That darn lemon tree.


“I’m going to be outside, Nanna,” Amy interrupted. The screen door slammed behind her as she ran towards the neighbor children’s voices outside the house. Amy stopped a few feet away from two sisters. Both children wore matching blue shirts with faded cartoons on them. The girls were tying two pieces of thick rope on the post of the metal gate. “What are you guy’s doing?”

The older girl turned at Amy. Her short hair strands were in tangly bunches and reminded Amy of dead sun-burnt grass on a summer day such as this. Her cheeks were already turning pink against her almost translucent white skin, but that didn’t seem to deter her from standing in the sun. “We’re going to jump-rope,” she replied, turning back to tying. Amy was excited, she truly was good at jump-roping– probably the best person in her class to jump-rope for the longest amount of time with the most amount of tricks. “Amy can do a double-criss-cross-applesauce backwards!” raved her friends at school.

“Oh how fun! I love jump-rope! At my school, my friends and I always playing it during recess time. Can you do a double jump backwards?”Amy rambled. “One time I was trying to do that and—“

“We didn’t say you could play with us,” snapped the girl.


“Yeah, you can’t play,” The younger girl echoed, she looked like a smaller version of her older sister and had snot coming out of one nostril.

A few minutes of awkward silence fell between Amy and the two children, and Amy felt the potential friendship with these girls, wither away. Just when Amy was about leave, the older girl said, “Well, you can play with us, but only if you turn the rope.” Amy hesitated at the idea of turning the rope for someone else, but the thought of spending the rest of the day watching soaps with Nanna didn’t seem any more appetizing. Amy begrudgingly turned the rope, listening to the rhythmic tap of the rope against the girl’s feet. 

“This is getting boring,” the younger girl complained as she wiped the snot from her nose with back of her hand, she wasn’t very good. Her feet would constantly get entangled with the rope, and would get tired easily. Amy was glad to stop turning, the palm of her hands felt raw from gripping the plastic rope. “Fine,” the older sister said. “Let’s go back home and play Monopoly.”

“Can I come too?” Surely they would allow her to come along, she had turned the stupid rope for them for at least twenty minutes.

“Uh…” the older girl looked around, stalling her answer. “Only if you…if you let us pick some lemons off of your tree.” Amy glanced at the tree, she was uneasy at the idea of picking even one fruit off of Nanna’s prized tree.

“I don’t know if Nanna would let us do that.”

“C’mon, only a few lemons. She won’t even be able to tell— there are at least thirty lemons on that tree. If you let us, I’ll let you can get two turns and start first for Monopoly.”

“I guess it should be okay. Nanna is probably watching tv anyway…” Amy’s voice trailed off as she watched the two girls run through the gated fence, scanning the tree up and down, looking for the largest lemons to choose. Even they were more interested in that lemon tree than they were of Amy. That darn lemon tree.

“Isn’t that enough?” Amy asked, the girls had already had at least seven lemons that were as big as her pet hamster back home.

“Just a coupla’ more. We need more if we wanna give them a good smashing.”

“Smashing? You’re going to smash them?” Amy felt cheated, the least they could have done was to take the lemons home.

“Yeah! It’ll be fun.” The girl had already dropped a few lemons on the ground. “Like this!” She picked up her grimy foot and used the heel to smash the lemon. Amy, horrified, watched the sisters continue to stomp on the fruits. The two girls squealed with glee as the lemon juices sprayed onto their feet. Amy felt powerless watching the girls destroy the lemons. She stepped back, only to step on a lemon. The soft ripe fruit filled between her toes as the pulp and juices leaked out. Amy was surprised at how much she enjoyed stepping on the lemon. “It’s just a lemon tree, that’s it,” Amy thought. She picked off a lemon and this time, deliberately stepped on it— hard. T next lemon was easier to step on than the first, and the lemon after that was even more gratifying. All three girls giggled between themselves as they stomped on one fruit after the other. Amy’s excitement was just about to peak until she saw that the older girl had stopped the lemon massacre. 


“LEMONS!” The shrieking voice was coming from behind Amy. “MY LEMONS!”

Amy saw her Nanna pointing her finger at the culprits, and suddenly realized what she had done. “YOU CHILDREN SQUISHED ALL OF MY LEMONS. YOU CHILDREN. YOU, YOU…”. Nanna no longer had the word capacity to express her anger as she started to walk shakily towards the girls. Amy stood on the lemon juice stained grass unable to move, until one of the girls grabbed her hand while the other screamed, “RUN!”

The sisters lead Amy through the neighborhood until they could no longer hear the angered cries of Nanna. “What are we going to do now?” Amy asked them, desperate to hear an extravagant plan to help her fall back into Nanna’s good graces.

“Do what we do whenever Ma gets mad at us for letting the dog in the house. Wait for her to sleep and then sneak back in your room!”

“Yeah, Ma always forgets after she takes a nap.”

“But that was pretty fun huh? Did you see the look on your grandma’s face?” The older girl scrunched up her face, imitating Nanna’s fury.

Amy looked at her dirty feet, now gray and sticky. Her hands were still red from the rope. She had just help destroy that darn lemon tree in hopes of playing Monopoly with two girls who clearly did not want to befriend her. But after all, it was just a lemon tree. Amy would politely explain to Nanna that there were plenty of seeds leftover from the flatten lemons— so she could grow a whole grove of lemon trees if she wanted too. A whole grove of those darn lemon trees.

Sometimes I find myself sittin’ back and reminiscing
Especially when I have to watch other people kissin’
And I remember when you started callin’ me your miss’s
All the play fightin’, all the flirtatious disses
I’d tell you sad stories about my childhood
I don’t why I trusted you but I knew that I could
We’d spend the whole weekend lying in our own dirt
I was just so happy in your boxers and your t-shirt

[Chorus]
Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of you and me
It seems, It seems
That I can’t shake those memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too.

The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things are reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come on, Tell me
Is this the end?

Drinkin’ tea in bed
Watching DVD’s
When I discovered all your dirty grotty magazines
You take me out shopping and all we’d buy is trainers
As if we ever needed anything to entertain us
the first time that you introduced me to your friends
and you could tell I was nervous, so you held my hand
when I was feeling down, you made that face you do
There’s no one in the world that could replace you

[Chorus]
Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of me and you
It seems, It seems
That I can’t shake those memories
I wonder if you feel the same way too

The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come on, Tell me
Is this the end?

sometimes i think i judge people too harshly.

not in a physical sense…but like….hmm..

for example:
i feel like people should not treat me badly just because they are mad about something else that i wasnt part of at all. it’s not fair for them to pour their anger out on me when i didnt do anything. i really do believe that i should not mistreat anyone if they werent the cause of my annoyance/negativity. but tht doesnt mean that i should treat someone who did cause it badly either. 

i also despise people who cant make their own decisions for themselves and need other people to constantly do it for them. take initiative. 
i think that is one of the best qualities a person can have, initiative. i feel like it goes hand in hand with responsibility. i know that despise is a strong word, but i really do feel that way…although i am trying not to. it’s a huge pet peeve of mine i guess.

i also do not like it when people try convince me something that i have already made a firm decision on. im not that dumb. if i feel like your input is needed, ill take it. otherwise shut up and dont tell me to change my feelings about someone if you dont know that person and i do. or dont tell me that i must be feeling someway just because of what i just said when i do not feel that way. i think i know me. i also think that you as a friend should trust me in my own decisions and realize that i dont really make rash decisions based solely on emotions. 
i dont mind to hear your different opinions, but dont think that you know what’s better for me. 

goshdarnnit i sound so dang close minded and ignorant and immature.

i am immature. but that isnt an excuse for anything. ANYTHING. 

..

okay, so i KNOW that people are not like me. at all. especially my thought process and rationalizations and whatnots. 

i feel so negative today. even though today was a really great day.

i still keep on thinking and thinking and over thinking…

sometimes i just want to ask certain people questions that i feel like ive already asked them…but i need to ask them the same stupid questions because their answers give me some sort of confirmation…and security…?

sometimes i just need to know where i am with certain people. i need to know that im not this crazy overthinking paranoid person.
even though i kind of am. darn it.
i know that people are always coming and going in our lives, but i dont like it when the people who have made a significant impact on your life just up and leave for whatever reason because i feel cheated. i feel cheated for being vulnerable in front of them and letting them into my little strange silly world–thinking that all that i say to them will be safe with them. and i dont like letting people into my strange silly world…it’s pretty strange and silly and…stupid. 

/sigh.

you should ignore reading this dumbness. too late though if you are reading this.

gee i feel like ive been so mia lately..especially once school started.

no more free time

i dont have time to watch the few tv shows i watch on hulu.com. i dont have time to hang with my homieG’s. i dont have time to cook delicious food. I GOTZ NO TIMEZZ

im kind of bummed that im always so busy…i mean, i enjoy having a lot of activities to do…but they kind of weigh down on me sometimes. but at least im somewhat organized, and i do feel good about myself whenever i accomplish all the things i needed to do that day/week. 
i cant believe im already half way into the quarter…

OH,
so im taking choir in school! ive never taken any formal singing class so it’s pretty nifty trying to read notes on a page. and pretty darn difficult too  
but im learning! oh boy i am learninnnngg! mmHMM!
that also reminds me, my feet are really stinky today. i have them in front of me instead of sitting cross legged, and i can still smell the stinkyness…

OH,
and im also taking piano class in school! (errr you have to take this piano proficiency exam before you graduate and you gotta pass or you cant graduate!)
im so terrible at piano…but it’s reallllyy fun learning!

those animals are pencils bags..

i do NOT like being a backup. 

i do not want to be your sloppy seconds.

i do not like being an afterthought.

i do not want to be ignored one second and then getting the opposite treatment the next.

please, i deserve more then that. 

green curry is duh bomb. and so is carl’s jr coupons!

why do i enjoy cooking/baking/making creations out of food so much?

because it is seriously a way for me to show people how much i love and care for them!
as cheesy as that sounds, it really is true (mm cheese).

it’s really hard for me to make something and to keep it to myself. i wanttttttttt to give it to others so that they can experience the yummyness that i do! err, even if the food i make sometimes doesnt come out exactly the way i would want it to…

anyway, 
sometimes it irks me whenever i see some rich person’s kitchen that they NEVER use.
WHAT?!
WHAT?!?!?
REALLY!??! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

let me live in your kitchen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111oneoneoneoneeee
/sigh… 

during my free time, i drool over my dream kitchen…ive written so many entries about my future kitchen&food and whatnot…

in other news:
ive been having a terrible case of diarrhea. it sucks.

it’s amazing what the lengths people would go for others.

er lemme rephrase that (just in case that last statement didnt apply to you…).
it’s amazing at the lengths i would go for people.

no no no im not talking about the “good wonderful magical” things i do so that i can fish out as many comments out of you as possible.
im talking about all the things that i would do for acceptance. or just so i could tell myself that i DO have things in common with that one boy.

pretty lame huh?

i dont know if youve ever noticed this, but i feel like sometimes i make lame excuses for myself to try out this type of food, or to read this book, just because i want someone to like/accept me. it was never anything real dramatic, but here are a few things i remember doing/thinking:

-i downloaded a buttload of “indie” songs in order to look cool and tell people about my “awesome cool unique” genre of music that i listen to and all the different artists that i am “in love” with.
-i wanted to cut my (now past shoulder length) hair when a boy i had a crush on centuries ago stated that he liked people/girls(did he say girls? i dont remember/care) who had short hair
-i started putting extra hot sauce on everything i ate whenever i was with a group of certain people because they did that as well

ive done a lot more weird/stupid/useless things just so i could “casually” say: oh you like doing backflips in your free time? ME TOO! (sarcasm people, sarcasm )

i feel pretty lame whenever i do stuff like that. whenever i do something utterly lame just so that i can have something in common with that one person, or those groups of people. or something like that.

for some reason i thought that this basil plant would be different. that this plant would thrive under my love&care. 

oh well, life goes on eh?

i don’t know what’s gotten into me right now–i feel like a real pile of poo. fresh stinking poo on a crispy green lawn. i feel drained and im not even half way into all of the things i have to get accomplished by today. my mood is all moody. i have so many different thoughts in my head that normally are in and undisturbed corner of my brain. i kind of want to cry–not because im sad, but just for the sake of crying and the wonderful feeling i get afterwards.

maybe it’s the terrible weather–warm yet winds are blowing, clouds are coming in, and it’s raining. pouring. raining. no fun.

maybe it’s because i have a back to back class&work schedule from 11am-10pm with a 30min break from 6:30pm-7pm

maybe it’s because i dont know how im going to fit in my practicing today, i guess it’s another late night for me.

maybe it’s because ive been staying up til 2-3am since sunday night and it’s only a tuesday–and all of that time has been dedicated to stupid school.

maybe it’s because ever since school started ive been so dang busy and am not enjoying this full schedule…

or maybe it’s just because of the weather.

in other news:
my basil plant is dying. pics to come later

oh, but i am having a good hair day. it’s pretty superficial for something like hair to make me feel better about myself, but i worked on it all morning so why cant i be happy that it turned out the way i wanted it to?

especially the bangs–oo lordy the bangs are just the way that i imagined them to be!

i dislike it whenever people complain about their smile. 

go to a mirror and practice man!

nothing worth having is easy. 

oh, unless it’s free food. then that is worth it hands down all of duh timeeee!

in other news:
i fell off of my skateboard a few days ago. -__-
two people (at least) saw me fall from behind and i just picked up my board and started to skate again…i mean, what else are you going to do–right?

haha…

poor left knee.
my left knee always seems to get scrapped up the most…

whenever i am in a sitting position, i always pick at my toes.

always.

serious.

always.

i think i picked it up from my dad and my brother because they are always picking at their toes too. but it is seriously really difficult to stop. i mean, it’s not like im chewing the toenails off of my toe…im just picking at them with my finger from time to time. that’s not thaaaat gross–right?

wow i look really dark in this picture. 

cool!

sometimes i think why do people have to travel to 3rd world countries in order to have an “eye opening” experience? why do people have to travel to a different part of the world to remind themselves how good they have it in their own home? why do people have to constantly go to mexico to realize how fortunate they are to have running water, reliable electricity, etc. and then share to everyone else how much they learned from staying in a cramped living space in tijuana for a week? 

i extremely dislike, almost hate, it whenever people think that they are changing the little mexican kids in mexico. the little kids in china.
who the heck do you think you are, thinking that you have the power to radically change someone’s life? just because you claim to have built and paint a house for them? now they owe you the gratitude that you think that you deserve because you gave them a toothbrush and played with them for a week?
i mean seriously, what is wrong with you?
and why cant you do the same sort of outreach in your own community. there are many many MANY poorer parts of the city where you live (or at least a neighboring city).
you dont need to get a plane to supposedly “change” someone’s life.

why do people assume that because you are visiting a different country, that it is then assumed that you will immediately gain an “eye opening” experience. what the heck does that even mean. why do you have to be in another country to have that experience? because they speak another language? eat different types of food?
really? i mean cmon, really?
 

i feel like the main reason why i am so annoyed whenever people go to poor countries to “help” this people is that they think that they are better than the poorer people. that because we are from the great american country, that everyone needs our help and so we must be “good ol’ citizens” and “rescue” them from their troubles.

do yourself a favor and help the rest of your country as well.

i dont lie about things that are related to me, for example i dont tell people that i am 5′6″ and 167lbs (and i’m not too sure why i would lie about something like that). i dont tell people that i got a A- on that one test when i really got a C. when i normally lie to someone, it’s not about myself–it’s about them. it’s about maing them feel better about themselves. 

that was a lame confession–huh?

i dont know why, but i feel better about myself whenever i tell people these stupid lies to make them feel better about themselves because i know that when i tell that person that i think that shirt looks really cute on her, or how laughing at a really dumb joke that i wished id never heard  because it is so ridiculously stupid to me. 
i guess i like the “power” i get whenever i say false statements about people. they feel better about themselves because of me. their self-esteem rose just for that little bit because of me. i caused it. i am the do-gooder.

i remember telling one of my now-distant-friend that i felt that his life would go well, once he told me what he was currently doing with it. in my head, i honestly felt like he wasnt getting anywhere with his life, but i knew that one of his fears was becoming a failure, and so i knew that i could make him at least feel somewhat confident when i told him that stupid lie.

Stranger

“I’m going to run some errands today Junie,” my mom announced to me during breakfast.

“Are you taking her with you?” I asked, picking out all the unrecognizable vegetables and animal remains that were in the foreign soupy mess.

“Who?”

“Herrr.” I jabbed my spoon at the door at the end of the hallway.

“That,” my mother irritably replied, “is your grandmother, not just some random person in our house. Show some respect, and for God’s sakes eat the myuh-dih-chee and kkong in that soup your grandmother made. She spent all of yesterday making that for you.”

“Ugh, I hate anchovies, and there are a million types of beans in this soup.”

“Watch over your grandmother, and I’ll be back around four o’ clock.” And before I could protest, the door slammed shut and the engine of the old green Honda putted away, leaving me alone with a complete stranger, my grandmother for the rest of the day.

I had not seen her in six years, never mind there was also the towering language barrier between us, the cultural differences, and an endless amount of excuses that I came up with to justify our nonexistent relationship.

I remember the day my mom and I picked up my grandmother from the airport because it easily landed in the top ten most mortifying moments of my teenage life. Once my grandmother emerged from the airport exit, I felt an immediate flush of embarrassment not for myself, but for everyone who saw her as well. Her dull gray hair turned into an afro instead forming into a prim and proper perm. She wore an oversized, wildly patterned dress that resembled something a tourist in Africa would buy from the local village, and failed to realize that the man she was yelling at in her limited English was trying to help her place her suitcases on the luggage cart rather than steal it. I ran to greet her, only for her to look at me with disdain and remark to my mom how unfortunate it was that I did not inherit the small bone structure on her side of the family and continued to jabber on in a language that I no longer cared to understand. My attempted plan to avoid my grandmother all summer was interrupted when my mom decided to leave me with her.

“Joon-ee-yahh.” I could hear my grandmother already calling for me in my room. I ran to her and was immediately scolded for my entrance. “Why does it sound like elephants are running down this hallway? And why is it so cold?” my grandmother complained, squinting her wrinkled eyes up at me, scanning me up and down to point out anything that she did not approve of. 

“Sorry Grandma,” I mumbled in broken Korean.

“Let’s go out to the garden, I need you to pull the weeds and water the plants,” Grandmother said. I self-consciously tiptoed down the hallway and back outside to our garden. My mom and I did not have a garden until my grandmother came to live with us. “Where are your yellow squash and red peppers? Why is this dirt so dry?” she questioned, as if it was normal for anyone to be growing these specific vegetables. “How are you going to eat if you aren’t growing them?” she persisted.

“We buy them at the grocery store Omma,” my mom said, but those were empty words to my grandmother’s ears as she was already hacking away the overgrown weeds and partially dead grass, which was exactly what I was currently doing. I never knew how my grandmother was able to pull out all the weeds from our backyard. One would never think that this old lady would have the strength to raise five children in a foreign country, much less restore a dead yard to life.

[the end for now]

*title to be changed
this is what i came up with for my writing class, i only had to write a minimum of 600words so I kind of stopped after 650 or so words…this was just an exercise to present the reader with a “ticking time clock” in the beginning of the story…
i dont think i did such a great job on that part, i tend to ramble on a lot … 
just to make this clear, this is a fictional event. and i plan on continuing with this story line to turn it into a 5-6p. short story that is due in the next couple weeks. man, i seriously have not written any sort of essay/story in a very long time for school.

+i ended up getting an a-. not that grades really matter i guess.  

i am really bad at writing. i thought i was somewhat good,okay, a litttttle bit above average. but after writing a short beginning of a story for my fiction writing class, i realize how terrible i am at being creative, and how terrible the quality of my writing is.

it’s like reading a story from a kid in middle school–it really is that bad. ghiao;klsfkaejroiaew

i think i am very blessed to be surrounded by all of these amazing people that i see almost on a daily basis. i know that word is thrown around a lot, “blessed”, but i truly do believe that i am one lucky ducky.

anyway, with that being said. i think i can also say that these wonderful people are that way because they are the type that i can say anything too–which is actually pretty darn difficult.

i can tell them stupid things. 
fun things.
random things.
embarrassing things.
humiliating things.

and they will still accept me the way i am. they wont poke and prod at me and question the events of what i just told them. theyll just accept it and and give me more love.

i think that as a person who likes being around 298374823 people, the one “downfall” (sarcasm, meaning, this really isnt a downfall because there isnt anything even the slightest bit negative) is when something embarrassing happens to me. something that hurts my stupid stupid pride. (wow i really dislike pride).
who wants to tell anyone anything that humiliates them self? that isn’t a word is it–”them self”. whatevers. i stink at the english language.

…yeah im not really too sure where im taking this, which seems to happen in a lot of my entries…

moral of this entry: dont be prideful and take things for granted in a prideful way. pride sucks. it never works out in the end. there are thousands of grand stories about pride and hubris and basically, dont think that you are better. dont think that about anything. ANYTHING.  

or else youll end up like me. -_- or al least youll end up in the situation that i am in now. and it really sucks.

cause i know yall wanna see how much my basil plant has been growing!

HEHEHE.

um, so i think it has grown an inch!
 

in other news:

today was another good day

sometimes i feel that “liking” a certain passion that you have isnt enough for you to pursue a profession in it. yeah you can enjoy painting, but that just doesnt cut it if you want to become a professional painter, if you want to do big things with it. i guess you can argue that “anyone can be a painter”, yeah anyone can be a painter, but how many of those people have their own gallery in big named museums? or sell paintings worth thousands, maybe even millions of dollars? or have changed or made an impact on the world?

if you want to be a painter, why settle for being “average” or “okay”?

i feel like too many people in this world pick up hobbies that they enjoy and then suddenly have this “epiphany” to carry out their “dreams” by pursuing a profession in that delightful hobby. and once it starts getting tough, they all start to bail out. all of a sudden, everything starts to get boring, too technical, no more “fun”, etc.

how lame is that? how lame are you?

how can you ever expect any profession to be easy with little difficulties? just because you LIKE it, doesnt mean it will be any easier for you to do.

for most of my life, i was used to the idea of visiting my cousins every few times a year since most of them either lived in southern california or in a different country, and our family resides in the bay area. i was always amazed whenever a friend of mine would tell me how they live with their grandparents, or that their cousins live in the next city over. i mean cmon, visiting your cousins on the weekends?!! that is unheard of for me. er, was unheard of. 
now that i am going to school in socal, i realize how close i am to my relatives now. in fact, i am  the only person in my family who is the most near my relatives on both sides of the family…
so basically i feel pretty terrible of not feeling obligated to ever visit them even though ive been here for 2years and felt even worse when one of my younger younger younger cousins messaged me to come and visit him and his family. 
i  guess i always used the excuse of not really having “close relationships” with my cousins as an excuse to not contact them as often as i could. 

geez. i am a terrible relative.

IN OTHER NEWS:
1. here is an updated picture of my basil plant
 

2. look at all those beads!!!!!!!111oneoneone. i bought a tub of assorted beads and spent all day organizing them in their respective cups/containers. i ended up using 4+more measuring cups to hold other beads as well. this is just a picture of what i started out with

3. IKEA FOOD!! Singoalla is the best cookie. it is a cookie sandwich with a creme filling in the center and a raspberry filling on the top!

i bought this basil-plant-kit-thing from ikea the other day, and hopefully it will grow into a healthy delicious plant
err, if it happens to die prematurely, then i think i’ll just go to trader joe’s and buy there potted basil plants for $5

but i really hope this plant grows because all i have to do is add water…
oh, and if it grows well, then im going to start growing my other seeds that i have but havent tried yet…

OH yeah, you know what else is awesome at ikea (er well, everything at ikea is awesome)??!
THIS!

HEHEHEHE. their swedish meatballs, really. REALLY!